


I Don't Know You Anymore

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Drama, M/M, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 02:14:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/792884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carolyn stops by for a visit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Know You Anymore

**Author's Note:**

> Naomi was in the last one, so this time we have Carolyn. I just want to state up front that I don't exactly see Carolyn this way, but this is what the muse wanted so I let it have it's way. Maybe by indulging it I will be able to keep my writing streak going longer.  With that said I want to give a nice Thank You to my beta for this one, Jenny. 

## I Don't Know You Anymore

by Banshee

Author's disclaimer: None of the people belong to me. Sorry, if they did I would take them out more often to play, but they aren't so.

* * *

I Don't Know You Anymore  
by Banshee 

I would like to visit you for a while  
Get away and out of this city  
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break  
We can go sit on your back porch  
Relax  
Talk about the anything  
It don't matter  
I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me 

* * *

Carolyn stepped out of the gateway from the airplane and into the airport itself. She paused a few steps out, letting the feeling of returning to such a familiar place sweep over her. Two years ago she had boarded a plane that would take her from the Cascade International Airport to San Francisco and she had never looked back. Gazing around the familiar setting, she couldn't believe it had been that long ago. Part of her didn't even understand why she had left at all. But that was the past, and she refused to let herself get sucked back into _that_ never ending circle of mental questioning. 

Straightening her shoulders and unconsciously adjusting her blouse, she headed to the baggage claim and from there it would be off to the car rental counter. 

Of course, driving the city streets gave much the same feeling as the airport had. A feeling of being home. Using her memory of the streets, Carolyn was able to drive on autopilot, her mind wandering while her body maneuvered the car though the freeway exits and stop signs. It seemed as if in no time she was pulling up to park in the street beside 852 Prospect. 

For a moment, she wasn't sure if Jim would be home. It was only 10am on a lazy Saturday morning. Scanning the parking lot she felt her uncertainty grow as she realized that she didn't see his usual rig. Instead, there was an older blue and white truck sitting in the parking space that Jim had been in the habit of using. //Maybe he got a new truck//, she mused, some part of her mind tickling her with the memory that he had gone though several vehicles in the last few years. Giving the older truck one last glance, she shook her head. Surely Jim wouldn't have bought that old thing. 

Heading into the lobby, she then made her way to the elevator, entered, and pressed the button for the third floor. When the metal doors slid silently open she walked confidently down the hall, her hesitation catching up with her only when she found herself standing before her old door. //Jim's door//, she mentally corrected. 

//This is silly Carolyn. You just flew how many hundreds of miles without any indecisiveness, and now when you are standing at his door you balk? Get over it!// 

Reaching out, she knocked firmly on the wooden door. She waited several moments and knocked again. Thinking that there must be no one home, but going to give it one more try, she raised her hand only to stop when she heard the sounds of someone moving towards the door. Giving her blouse and jacket one last straightening she waited for the door to open. 

The view that greeted her was a surprise. It was Jim, but it looked as if he had just gotten up. His hair was sleep tousled and he wore only a bathrobe, the belt tied tightly about his slim hips. She smiled at the little boy image that came to her. 

"Carolyn?" Jim asked groggily, one hand making a swipe at his eyes as if to clear some lingering dream away. 

"Hey Jimmy. Did I wake you up?" Somehow, that thought seemed surreal as Ellison had always been up by 8am, if not 7am even on the weekends. 

"Yeah, but don't worry about it. It was time I was getting up anyway." Moving aside, "come on in." 

Following him in, she couldn't help up ask, "So you sleeping in a little now?" 

"Had a late night bust and didn't get in until after 2am. What can I say, I'm no longer the young man that can run well on just three or four hours of sleep without paying the consequences." 

"Oh Jim, hey, I didn't mean to interrupt your sleep..." 

"Don't worry about it. Like I said, really should be getting up now. If I sleep much later I won't be able to get to sleep tonight." 

"But..." 

"Don't worry about," he answered with a wave of his hand as he headed into the kitchen. "Would you like some coffee?" 

"Sure." Not quite sure what to do with herself, she followed her ex-husband into the kitchen and leaned against the counter as she watched him quickly start the coffee. 

"Why don't you sit down on the sofa and make yourself comfortable while I go get dressed? The coffee is going to take few minutes anyway." 

"Okay." Moving back over to the living room, she sat down on the sofa and watched as Jim disappeared up the stairs. 

It didn't take long before he was back, and Carolyn once again found herself surprised. Instead of wearing his usual slacks with a sweater, he had opted for comfortable faded blue jeans and an old Cascade PD gym shirt. Making a quick detour to the kitchen he fetched two mugs of coffee before joining her on the sofa. 

* * *

Because I don't know you anymore  
I don't recognize this place  
The picture frames have changed and so has your name  
We don't talk much anymore  
We keep running from the pain  
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again. 

Springtime in the city  
Always such a relief from the winter freeze  
The snow was more lonely than cold if you know what I mean  
Everyone's got an agenda  
Don't stop keep that chin up you'll be alright  
Can you believe what a year it's been  
Are you still the same?  
Has your opinion changed? 

* * *

Taking a sip of his coffee, Jim settled into the sofa before asking, "So what brings you here Caro?" 

The old nickname was a pleasant surprise and Carolyn took a sip of her own coffee to hide the smile it caused. For some reason showing Jim just how much such a small thing could please her didn't seem like a good idea. Sipping her coffee also gave her the advantage of a few extra seconds to decide what to tell him. Could she really tell him what had dragged her here on such a whim? Instead, she opted for a safer answer. 

"I just felt I needed to get out of the big city for a while." 

"Cascade being just a little backwater kind of town," supplied Ellison, a small twinkle in his eye. Carolyn couldn't help it, she let out a short laugh, this playful side of Ellison unexpected but appreciated. 

"Something like that. Sure, this might be a large city, but it's someone else's city and I don't have to worry about it, if you know what I mean. I can watch the rat race and yet not be in it." Raising an eyebrow, Carolyn looked at her ex to see if he understood and found him nodding along with her. 

And so their conversation went, each talking about this and that. Some of what Jim told her she already knew. She may not have kept in contact with _Jim_ since she had left, some part of her trying to forget all that had happened between them, but Simon Banks was another matter. The captain of the Major Crimes division was a good source of information. They had been friends for a long time. Longer then she had known Jim even. And it seemed that while Simon seemed sad that their marriage hadn't worked out, there was still a part of him that felt she should know what was going on. So it was not uncommon to find an e-mail waiting in her mail box saying that Jim had been nominated for a second year running for Cop of the Year, or that he had managed to take out another international crime boss, or even that he had totaled another truck. 

As the conversation came to a natural lull, Carolyn finally asked the question that had been nagging at her. Or rather she made a statement of it. "So things are going pretty much the same as they always have for you." When Jim didn't just answer with the basic yeah, she sat up a little straighter and made sure to pay attention, not sure if he would actually give the patented 'yeah' or really tell here something new. 

She watched as he seemed to mull over the statement. 

"I guess you could say both yes and no to that." 

"How so?" 

"Well, work is work. I have had some rather _different_ cases in the last year or so, but things are still pretty much the same. Get up, go to work, do my job, and come home. It's a pretty basic thing." 

"So what has changed?" 

"I would have to say that work is now only work." 

"I don't understand." Carolyn's face showed her confusion as clearly as any words. 

"Just that. Work is no longer the... be all and end all that it used to be, I guess." 

//Wow.// Thought Carolyn. That, while not the most profound and straightforward answer she had ever gotten out of Ellison, it was most likely in the top ten. Part of her wanted to say that was not fair to Jim, but the other part said it was still true. It was kind of strange to have Jim, who always seemed to keep his real feelings or ideas close to his chest, to say that. Even more surprising, as it seemed that as long as she had known him, his work had been _everything_ to him. In some ways, that was why their marriage had failed, not that she hadn't been just as preoccupied with the office. 

"Could you give me an example?" asked Carolyn, thinking that as long as she was on a roll she might as well get all the information she could. 

"Hum... I guess the thing that would be most noticeable would be how I spend my time. I mean, I have enough standing vacation time that I can take the holidays off, unless there is some urgent case, so I do." 

"Really?" 

"Yes, really," answered Jim, chuckling at her genuine surprise. "I usually try to spend at least some time with Stevie if our jobs let us." 

//Stevie?// thought Carolyn. //He's spending time with Stevie? Is this the same brother that he didn't even invite to our wedding? Actually, come to think of it, Banks did say something about Stevie showing up on one of their cases last year.// She tried to remember exactly what the circumstances had been, but her mind failed her. It must not have been much, or she would have remembered it. It definitely didn't say anything about Jim getting back together with his brother. That she would have remembered! Maybe she should start asking Banks for a little more depth in his e-mails? 

"I also try to leave work at the office," continued Jim. "I mean, you can never completely do that, but I do try." 

The detective might have said more, but at the moment the phone rang and he excused himself to answer it. Just by listening to it Carolyn knew it wasn't work, but by Jim's look it was someone that he wanted to talk with. Whispering at him to take his time, she pointed to her coffee cup and the kitchen. The smile Jim gave her was open and warm as he thanked her before pointing to himself and then up to the loft. When she nodded that she understood, Jim gave another quick smile and headed up the stairs to his bedroom for a little privacy. 

* * *

Because I don't know you anymore  
I don't recognize this place  
The picture frames have changed and so has your name  
We don't talk much anymore  
We keep running from the pain  
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again. 

* * *

Making her way to the kitchen, Carolyn got the fresh cup of coffee she had indicated she wanted. That done she then made her way back out to the living room, this time really taking in the whole thing. 

It was different then the last time she had been here. There was more personality then before. Not that Jim had not _had_ personality before, but more like he had simply not expressed it. Wandering over to the fireplace, she began looking over the objects there. The first thing that caught her eye was a picture; its frame old yet obviously well cared as the aged wood was polished to a deep shine. It showed Jim and Blair sitting next to each other by a campfire. Sandburg's hands looked as if they were in motion, his mouth open as if talking, and his eyes bright with excitement. Jim, on the other hand, was leaning back against a log as if he had settled in for the long haul. With his head tipped to one side, he seemed to be eyeing the younger man as if he was unsure if Sandburg was telling the truth, a small smile playing at the corner of his mouth. 

Next on the shelf beside the fireplace was a series of little figures. Most all of them were cats, Carolyn realized. Not kitty cats, but big cats, with long sleek bodies and power that seemed to flow from their form. The cats came in a variety of poses and were made out of a number of different materials. Some were walking or looked to be stalking some unseen prey, while others were in the classic sitting pose. Wood, metal, ceramic, and even one made of the blackest, shiniest stone she had ever seen were displayed here; these small versions of the large cats guarded the shelf. Nice as they were, Carolyn tried to figure out when Jim had taken such a liking to cats. As far as she knew he had never been much of a pet person. Besides, wasn't he allergic to cats? 

The only two figures that didn't fit with the cat motif were two ceramic, and rather realistically painted, gray wolves. This seemed just as much a mystery as the cats were. 

Moving on to the bookshelves, she noted the usual books that fell with in Ellison's reading tastes. Smiling to herself she pondered some of the titles. It had never ceased to amaze her at some of the things Jim considered light and relaxing reading. When she wanted to relax she would pick up what she had always called bubble gum books. Things that didn't really make her think too much, but let her brain sit back and enjoy the ride. This kind of reading usually involved the latest copy of a woman's magazine or more likely a good romance/smut book. Something that had lots of men and women falling in love and always ended with a happy ending. _This_ was what she had always thought a good relaxing book was. 

But not Jim. It was always something like Chinese philosophy, know thy enemy, know thy self, kind of thing. Sure he would sometimes read fiction books, but they were usually murder mysteries. In his line of work one would think that he might want to get away from the blood and the gore, but he never seemed to tire of reading those books. 

She was just about to move on to some of the other objects that were placed here and there on the shelves when she noted some of the other titles. Anthropology: A Study of Man? The Ideas and Customs of People from the South American Basin? Culture: Yesterday's, Today's, and Tomorrow? What was this? She had never seen Jim read books like this. Then it hit her. Were these Sandburg's books? Was he still here? Surely not, after all it had been over two years since she had left. There was no way the young curly haired man could still be living here. 

Simon still mentioned Blair every once in a while when the story called for it, the captain knowing that the college student had always rubbed her the wrong way. Hell, she didn't even know why he bugged her so much. It wasn't like he was rude or mean, or even stupid. In fact, he had been nothing but kind to her and everyone else at the PD. He was smart even if he was a bit blind about how things worked in the real world and had a habit of getting a little too intense about the strangest stuff. Other then that, there was nothing one could really say bad about the guy. And yet, Carolyn still didn't like the man. He got under her skin faster then she would have thought possible. She never knew how Jim had put up with him. 

Glancing over to the spare room, she noted the French doors that had not been there when she had been living here. Carolyn smiled and was willing to bet Jim had hung them himself. The man could be so handyman/domestic some times. Nice white curtains hung on the inside of the doors, blocking the view, but as she moved a few feet to the right she could see in though the partly opened door. Though dark, she could still make out the lines of a desk and a chair, but didn't see a bed off hand. 

//The kid must be gone// she thought, but found herself moving closer to the spare room, her curiosity about what _was_ in there tickling her brain. 

"Okay, good bye Hank, and thanks for the call. It's been too long a time. Next time I'll call, alright?" Jim's voice startled her and she turned to see Jim walking down the steps, he head nodding at whatever the other man was saying. "Sure, no problem. Talk to you later. Bye." 

Upon reaching the bottom of the stairs, Jim punched the off button on the cordless phone and looked down at Carolyn, giving her a warm smile. "Thanks for letting me have a few minutes to talk with Hank. It's been ages since I heard from him. I didn't want to brush him off." 

"No problem Jimmy." 

"You weren't bored while you were waiting for me?" 

"Nah Just looking around. You know, once a cop" She let her words trail off. Jim just smiled adding, "Oh, I know just what you mean." 

Picking up his own mug from the dinning room table, he headed over to the coffee machine for a refill. "So, you like what you see?" asked Jim as he leaned up against the counter with his fresh cup. Carolyn felt her stomach do a small flip-flop at Jim's casual pose. 

"Yes I do." The words came out of her mouth not only without any real thought, but huskier then she had planned. Suddenly realizing what she had said and how she had said it, she tried to backtrack to the actual topic of the loft, not her ex-husbands good looks. "French doors." 

"What?" Jim was smiling, and yet confused at the same time. 

"One of the things I really like about what you have done with the place. The French doors really give a nice feel to the place. Do you still use that room for storage?" 

"Thank you, and no, I don't." 

"Really?" 

"Yeah, it's an office now. You know, desk, computer, books. I guess it's still a storage room as most of my weights and my bike is in there." Straightening up, Jim walked back over the sofa, motioning Carolyn to join him. Once both were sitting down and comfortable Jim placed his steaming mug on the coffee table and turned to face her. 

"Carolyn? Why are you really here?" 

* * *

I know I let you down  
Again and again  
I know I never really treated you right  
I've paid the price  
I'm still paying for it every day 

So maybe I shouldn't have called  
Was it too soon to tell?  
Oh what the hell  
It's doesn't really matter  
How do you redefine something that never really had a name?  
Has your opinion changed? 

* * *

Carolyn felt her body stiffen. Looking at her ex, she tried to determine exactly what he was looking for, expecting the detective mask he put on whenever he was trying to figure something out, but his face was clear and open for a change, and held nothing but curiosity. 

"I don't know what you mean, Jimmy." 

"Come on, Caro. I know you didn't fly up here just on a whim." 

"Why do you say that? Can't I come up here just to talk to you?" Carolyn could hear the defensiveness in her own voice, but was unable to stop it. She knew that they were now going to get down to the real reason that she had come, and while this is what she wanted, what she had come all this way for, part of her was still waiting for everything to go wrong and so was starting to build defenses against it. 

"Carolyn." Jim let out a sigh and tried again. "Carolyn, we have been divorced for almost three years now, right?" Jim waited for her to acknowledge this before moving on. "And you have been down in San Francisco for just over two years now, correct?" Again he waited for her answer. At another nod he continued, "In all that time you didn't once ever try to just talk to me. We never got together when you were here unless it was somehow business related, and after you moved I never hear anything from you." 

Carolyn opened her mouth to say something, but Jim must have seen more on her face then she thought, for he cut her off before she could even get started. 

"I'm not blaming anyone for anything Caro. Nothing about this is your fault or my fault. And don't think I haven't enjoyed our time talking today, because I have." At this Jim smiled at her and it was nothing but warm and welcoming. "I'm only asking because I can't see you flying up here when you could just pick up the phone or write me a quick e-mail." Reaching out, Jim took one of her hands in his. "Is there something wrong, something that you need help with? Why are you here Caro?" 

Carolyn just sat for a moment trying to digest all of what Jim had said. Part of her was wondering where the pod was because this was not the Jim Ellison that she remembered, while the other part of her wondered why she had ever wanted to leave him. Ellison waited patiently while she tried to find the words. His hand was still holding hers while she struggled with her thoughts, and his thumb was making small circular motions on the back of her hand. 

With a shrug of her shoulders, Carolyn stopped trying to find the fancy words and settled for simple one. 

"I missed you." 

"Missed me?" 

"Yeah," she said getting up so she could pace the room. "I missed you. I miss working at the PD, I miss living in Washington. Hell, I even miss living here in the loft." 

"You hated the loft." 

"Well, yeah, but I miss hating it too, if that makes any sense, though I admit it's not as bad as I remember it." 

"It's the French doors." 

"What?" asked Carolyn as she turned a surprised look at Ellison. He just gave her a ghost smile before saying, "It's the French doors. You were right earlier when you said they really give a nice feel to the place." 

Carolyn laughed out loud at this, some of the tension leaving her. "That may have something to do with it." 

"But not everything?" 

"No," she agreed softly. 

"Then what?" 

"Just what I said. I miss my old life with you." 

"No you don't. You were miserable Caro. We fought like cats and dogs, and didn't really have much in common other than work." 

"But that's not true. We had a lot of good times." 

"Yeah, we did have some good times, but I wouldn't want to even pretend to say we had a lot, and what we did have didn't cancel out all the times when we didn't get along." 

"Don't you miss what we had?" Carolyn asked hoping all of this wasn't one sided. 

"Of course I do, Carolyn. I wasn't the one who wanted the divorce." Jim cringed at his own words the moment they were out of his mouth and began backpedaling. "I didn't mean it like that. I" He let out a sigh, and Carolyn watched as her ex-husband tried to calm and find his center. What impressed her was that he seemed to actually accomplish it. 

"Carolyn," said Jim calmly as he looked her in the face. "Yes, I enjoyed our time together, if that is what you are asking. I didn't care for the fighting, but that was a two-way street. I didn't exactly make things easy for you. And over the years since the divorce, I have wished things could have gone differently and we would still be together more times then I could ever count." 

"Then that's great. Why can't we try again to" Carolyn halted her words as Jim placed a single finger over her moving lips. 

"Because things have changed Caro. _I've_ changed. You don't really know me anymore." Carolyn looked into the clear blue eyes of her ex and could see the truth in them. Because, for once, there were no walls standing in the way. In the past she had always felt like there was something hiding in the depths of his eyes. Something that he didn't want to show the world or himself. Now that was gone. All that was left was Jim, and Carolyn was sad because she was finally seeing the real him and she knew she could never have him. 

"There is someone else isn't there?" It was more of a statement than a question, and Carolyn was not at all surprised when Jim paused for a moment before nodding. Carolyn let out a sigh of her own. "I should have guessed." 

"Why?" The corners of Jim's mouth turned up in a questioning half smile. 

"The loft. You never had such good decorating taste." The laugh and full-blown smile this produced was short lived, but Carolyn enjoyed it anyway. 

"I guess you're right. They have influenced my choice dcor." 

Quietly, so quietly she didn't know how he could have really heard her, she asked, "Are they good to you? Does she treat you right?" 

"Yes, they do. Things are just how they should be." The response was just as soft. 

Carolyn nodded at this and straightened her shoulders. "Then I think it's time I should be going." Carolyn placed her now empty coffee mug on the counter and picked up her purse. 

"Carolyn, you don't have to leave yet." 

"Yes Jimmy, I think I do." Turning back, she looked at Jim, his face a mixture of sadness and helplessness. And she realized he was sad because what he said had been true. He had enjoyed their time together, and like she, there were parts of it he missed. But that time was gone now, so he felt helpless for the pain he was causing her. He knew no way to make things better. 

//Oh poor Jimmy. You can't fix everything no matter, how hard you try.// her mind supplied as Jim set down his own cup and come over to say goodbye. 

When they were both standing by the door there was a moment of awkwardness. Before she could just make a quick and clean getaway, she felt two strong arms pull her against an equally strong chest. "Don't stay away so long next time, Caro." 

Letter herself forget for a moment, Carolyn soaked up the feeling of being in Jim's secure hold once more, but then the moment was gone. Moving away from each other, Carolyn gave a half smile of her own, promising to keep in touch, and left. The elevator was still on the third floor, so it was only a manner of moments before she was down in the lobby. Passing though the familiar setting, she glanced at the mailboxes only to stop when she came to Jim's. The names James J. Ellison and Blair J. Sandburg were written neatly on the nameplate. Suddenly, everything clicked into place and Carolyn just shook her head. 

"You're right Jimmy. I don't know you anymore." 

* * *

(end)  
Comments and feedback appreciated  
Banshee 

* * *

  
The complete words to the song

I Don't Know You Anymore-by Savage Garden 

I would like to visit you for awhile  
Get away and out of this city  
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break  
We can go sit on your back porch  
Relax  
Talk about the anything  
It don't matter  
I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me 

Because I don't know you anymore  
I don't recognize this place  
The picture frames have changed and so has your name  
We don't talk much anymore  
We keep running from the pain  
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again. 

Springtime in the city  
Always such a relief from the winter freeze  
The snow was more lonely then cold if you know what I mean  
Everyone's got an agenda  
Don't stop keep that chin up you'll be alright  
Can you believe what a year it's been  
Are you still the same?  
Has your opinion changed? 

Because I don't know you anymore  
I don't recognize this place  
The picture frames have changed and so has your name  
We don't talk much anymore  
We keep running from the pain  
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again. 

I know I let you down  
Again and again  
I know I never really treated you right  
I've paid the price  
I'm still paying for it every day 

So maybe I shouldn't have called  
Was it too soon to tell?  
Oh what the hell  
It's doesn't really matter  
How do you redefine something that never really had a name?  
Has your opinion changed? 

Because I don't know you anymore  
I don't recognize this place  
The picture frames have changed and so has your name  
We don't talk much anymore  
We keep running from the pain  
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again. 

I see your face  
I see your face 


End file.
